Self Mastery

One of the main things we are here to learn is self mastery.  It is also one of those things that addicts struggle with most.  If we were good at self mastery then we would not be addicts.  I struggle with a few addictions but one in particular was pulling my strings today.  It was also an eye opening experience. 

I allowed myself, to not just flirt with the line, but to put my foot over it.  I knew what would happen if I did. I knew the damage that it could do and the confusion that it would cause, but I did it anyway because I wanted just a little bit of the old high.  Having crossed the line, I met someone.  I was debating if I wanted to partake of my addiction.  Once I had crossed the line it looked so much more appealing. The person that I met said that it was okay, that I was a grown woman and that it was my choice to make.  I mentioned how I was an addict and I shouldn't be there. This person told me that it was no big deal and that I should just do it, that it was not going to hurt me.  I told them that I had made a promise that I was going to do better.  They mocked the promise. They asked who I made the promise with and jokingly asked if I had made it with Jesus.  I responded yes.  They said, "Well, Jesus ain't here. Your mom and dad ain't here and neither are your roommates. This is your choice." In everything this person said, the fact that it was my choice was something that was repeated over and over. 

They thought that if they could convince me that it was my choice that I would make the choice to indulge. The only thing that this person wanted was to watch me fall.  While I craved the euphoria and release from stress and anxiety that I knew that addiction could satisfy, I also knew that it was a lie.  Those feelings of euphoria are all too brief. The high would feel good for a moment, but the low would be unbearable.  I have had lows following highs that made me wish I was dead and to even try to make it happen. These highs are followed by guilt, shame and self loathing to say the least. The fact that I had crossed the line to admire an addiction was already causing those awful feeling. I could keep going and feel great for a short time or I could run. I realized the choice was mine and I chose to run. 

The best choice in this situation would have been to never let myself cross the line, but I did that. I put myself in a situation that could have robbed me of work that I had been putting in to keep this addiction at bay. It was a bad choice to cross the line, but I did learn that I have a choice.  Maybe I cannot make the choice to stay away from my addictions, especially by myself.  However, if I can make the choice today to do what God has asked me to do, if I place my will in his hands then those choices I struggle to make on my own are taken over by him.  I can do that for one day.  I can choose to be obedient to God and surrender my will for today. Every day is a new day. Something my sponsor constantly said was that all we have to do is work on today.  

The second thing that I learned is that if I remind myself of what I want for myself and the experiences that I have had in listening to God's voice and following him that it is easier to believe that I have worth.  When I believe that I have worth it is easier to make those choices that will bring lasting happiness.  I have been trying to be better at reading the Book of Mormon.  The other day as I was reading I could feel God speaking to me and guiding my thoughts as I read.  

After I made the choice to run, I was feeling pretty low.  I screwed up by putting myself in that position and then because I ran, I didn't get my fix.  It sucked. I started to ask myself  why I thought that running had been a good idea. I thought back on the feelings I had as I read the Book of Mormon. I remembered feelings of peace as well as guidance from God as I read.  I thought back on experiences I had earlier this year. I remembered the joy I felt in surrendering my will to Christ and how life began to feel less overwhelming. I want that again and I can have it again. It is just going to take effort. God likes effort.