Hi, I’m Sharon.

One of the main things we are here to learn is self mastery.  It is also one of those things that addicts struggle with most.  If we were good at self mastery then we would not be addicts.  I struggle with a few addictions but one in particular was pulling my strings today.  It was also an eye opening experience.  I allowed myself, to not just flirt with the line, but to put my foot over it.  I knew what would happen if I did. I knew the damage that it could do and the confusion that it would cause, but I did it anyway because I wanted just a little bit of the old high.  Having crossed the line, I met someone.  I was debating if I wanted to partake of my addiction.  Once I had crossed the line it looked so much more appealing. The person that I met said that it was okay, that I was a grown woman and that it was my choice to make.  I mentioned how I was an addict and I shouldn't be there. This person told me that it was no big deal and th...

     I am very grateful for 12 step meetings.  This week I have put off meetings.  I have been lax in my attentions to those things that keep my on the wagon, so to speak.  I have felt low and have had challenges with things that trigger my anxieties and addictions.  I have not relapsed but I have not felt like myself.       Last night, I couldn't sleep and I found that nothing I did calmed my anxiety.  I watched an uplifting movie and still felt on edge.  I listened to different books and music and still had no peace.  At one point I even had the thought to indulge in an addiction to calm myself down.  I knew that was not what I wanted. God has blessings for me. Why would I throw those good things in my life away, or push away the future blessings to "fix" my problem now? (And it wouldn't have been a fix.  I would have felt better briefly but in the long run I would have felt worse.) After a few ...

There is a reaching that comes with prayer, on a starry night or a morning fair;  There is a reaching to the sky where my Father dwells on high.  My spirit reaches to God above. He reaches back with arms of love. He sent down Jesus to lead the way. It’s Him I follow day by day. In times of trial prayer brings new light. I look to heaven for brand new sight.  My eyes are open and I see The Savior beckon, “Follow me.” The Spirit whispers my Father’s word, to mind and heart, so gently stirred.  It helps me learn what is right and brings sweet peace at night. I listen to my Father’s voice sent through the spirit. I rejoice To hear the words from God above that He sends to me with love. 

     Sometimes, life's just hard.  Sometimes, there are days when everything seems difficult and getting out of bed takes every ounce of energy.  Today has been one of those days.  I don't know why they happen.  Sometimes, they just do. Many times people don't understand. It's not laziness.  It's a symptom of mental illness.      I have dealt with anxiety since I was a child. I would fall asleep praying to God to keep me safe. I was scared of what could happen while I slept. Whether it was fire or robbers, I was terrified that something would hurt me or my family. I would have very vivid dreams where I would see those I loved burning alive and there would be nothing that I could do.  I was also afraid of Satan.      To combat these feelings I would climb into bed with my parents.  Eventually, I didn't want to bother them so I would stand at the end of their bed until I could calm down, or...

    I know that God answers prayers.  In 2019 I started to go to 12 step meetings again.  A friend mentioned that she was going and asked if I would be interested in checking out the meetings.  I explained that I had been to meetings before but that I would like to go again.  That was the beginning.      I had been asking God for years to take away my addictions. I never seemed to get an answer.  As things progressed over the years I could stay sober for only about a month, usually, but no longer than that.  It seemed that it was never going to end. Things only seemed to get worse as time when by. Sometimes, I would give in quickly because I would think to myself, "What is the use of fighting? I know that it will eventually happen anyway." I felt like I was stuck.  I had no hope that I could stay abstinent.  I would pray for help and go for a while but it was a constant battle and I was white knuckling almost the wh...

When the day’s light is gone and the nighttime has come, My fear starts to peak as I make my way home. I know what awaits me there in my small room, The demons that haunt me and make life my tomb. They tell me I’m worthless and that if I’m wise, I’ll ignore my conscience and heed their advice. “Life will be better if in spite of your need, “You take what you like 'cause the world turns on greed.” “Are you sure?” I ask them with naive surprise. There’s no light that glimmers in those sunken eyes. They respond with contempt written on faces long “You fool, you should know that we never are wrong.” I try to ignore them, to virtue keep true That’s something about which they make a to do. “Virtue’s overrated, trust us you’ll see.” They coax me and tell me that it’s not to be. The list it goes on of these attributes holy They know to attack them when I’m feeling lonely. My mind gets so foggy my thoughts are impaired And they take advantage when I’m feeling scared. They send thoughts and...

      I wrote My Worth while not only struggling with addiction, but also with severe anxiety and depression. Addiction was used as a coping mechanism but it also lead to more shame which fueled the depression and anxiety like gasoline on a fire. It was a vicious cycle that brought me lower and lower. I couldn’t get out of it. I couldn’t imagine any way that things could change because I was in so much pain. I was praying for help but I felt like God wasn’t listening to me.        One night, as I lay awake on the floor between my bed and the wall — I had made a sort of nest there and it helped to calm me — I decided to write down what I was feeling. I had the thought to do it as a poem. It turned out to be a great distraction from the anxiety I was feeling. It also helped put things into perspective. I knew that God loved me and wanted the best for me and as I wrote I tried to remember that. I tried to think about th...

There are demons that live in the dark lonely places.  They whisper and sneer with big leers on their faces.  They know where to hit me and when I am down,  They tell me I’m worthless , I won’t wear the crown.  But my Father, He sent me with promise to earth. He told me He loved me, to remember my worth.  He sent down my Brother, the pathway to find, To lead me and guide me cause I’m walking blind.  Do I always remember? Unfortunately, no.  I sometimes forget when the demons take hold.  The pathway’s not easy, those devils abound  They taunt me and trick me and knock me to ground.  Yes, demons surround me I fight with my might. At times I’m discouraged, my goal out of sight.  They push me and pull me to places unknown. I’m far from my Father I can’t see His throne.  My Brother’s soft voice I then hear through the din. “It’s for you that I died, for you I did win.” “For yo...

I may not be quite like the others you’ll meet,  Though we all look alike from our heads to our feet.  I don’t see life in quite the way that you do, Full of promise, of hope and of friendship true.  These things, you see, can all cause great pain,  From the new friend you meet, to the cool summer rain.  They are lovely, sweet and refreshing to start, But friendship and rain can both break your heart.  As the cool summer rain brings the first glimpse of fall, So a friendship in peril hurts greatest of all.  All nature seems sad when the leaves they all die,  So a friend who’s in pain brings great tears to your eye.  It should be no wonder why I abhor pain, But I, just like nature, cannot avoid rain.  I try not to advertise times I am scared,  But sometimes it shows when my thoughts are impaired.  I try to block pain with thick walls all around  I build up great castles or ...

          Recently, I felt like it was necessary to start blogging. I’ve been going through the process of recovery from addiction for many years now. It has only been recently that I’ve really began to have breakthroughs and longer lasting sobriety. I have always known that this was something that I couldn’t do myself, but I’ve always struggled to include God in the process. I’m writing this blog share my experiences and one of my new coping mechanisms in life, poetry. This was a discovery that I made even while I was still entrenched in addiction. The change in my life has been so drastic that abstinence isn’t a white knuckle fight. I have no more desire to follow after it. I never imagined that it could be possible. But it is!!!           I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Though I’m not perfect, I am trying every day to be better. Some days are more successful t...