Sometimes It's Just Like That

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     Sometimes, life's just hard.  Sometimes, there are days when everything seems difficult and getting out of bed takes every ounce of energy.  Today has been one of those days.  I don't know why they happen.  Sometimes, they just do. Many times people don't understand. It's not laziness.  It's a symptom of mental illness.

     I have dealt with anxiety since I was a child. I would fall asleep praying to God to keep me safe. I was scared of what could happen while I slept. Whether it was fire or robbers, I was terrified that something would hurt me or my family. I would have very vivid dreams where I would see those I loved burning alive and there would be nothing that I could do.  I was also afraid of Satan.

     To combat these feelings I would climb into bed with my parents.  Eventually, I didn't want to bother them so I would stand at the end of their bed until I could calm down, or I would lay down on their floor until I could sleep or calm down enough to go back to my room.  I always slept with a nightlight and sometimes at night I would crawl out of bed and just sit in front of it.  There was something about the light that made me feel safe.

     The blessing that came from this constant anxiety was that I was always talking with my Heavenly Father. I told Him everything. Overtime I learned to overcome certain fears with His help and the help of my parents. The ones that I couldn't overcome I would try to hide. People rarely knew when I was struggling. One of my fears was that people would look at me and think I was weak or be disappointed in me. That lead to bottled fears and anger which turned to arguments with my family and isolation.

     Funny thing is, I didn't know that what was happening to me wasn't normal.  I thought that every kid felt like I did.  It was not till I was an adult that I realized that what I was feeling on a daily basis was not how most people lived their lives. Most people were not consumed by fear. The depression side was more evident. It still took a while to understand what was happening to me but I knew that feeling hopeless was not normal.

     As I have gained more education, I have learned how to better cope with anxiety and depression.  I have also learned that you don't have to be ashamed if you need to take medication to live a balanced life.  Yes, days like today still happen where it takes every ounce of energy to face the day, but with help things can get better.



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